Today I made a big decision. I think I'm going to check myself into rehab, not because I have any sort of substance abuse problem I just think my career could use the boost.
Think about it, all the big important stars go to rehab. It's the new status symbol. because before rehab you had to have a Range Rover, and way back before the Range Rover to be a big star you had to have talent. Thank God those days are over. I like it better today when all you have to do to get everyone in the nation talking about you is get arrested, go to rehab or be a slut. So, I think rehab is my best option because I've never been arrested and I don't think I'd be a very good slut because no one notices when I leave the house without underwear.
So thanks to the process of elimination it looks like my only option is rehab. My problem is that I don't drink or do drugs. The only thing I really have trouble controlling is eating and there's nothing cool about checking yourself into a fat farm. It just doesn't have the same ring to it. I know a lot of people must think I'm nuts but take a look at Amy Winehouse. Went to rehab, won 5 grammys. She's a perfect example because people wouldn't have even noticed she was on drugs if she wasn't doing her own hair. Talk about a cry for help.
So I've been checking out some rehab places and have a short list of the ones I like. The first is a rehab started by Lex Brodie tire company but they don't call it rehab they call it recap because all they do is have you wear a mask of yourself before you were on drugs. I've decided to pass on the government sponsored FEMA rehab program because there's a 6 month waiting list and it turns out that's the program. You just wait. My favorite was started by Al Philips the Cleaner and it's great because if you're in by 9 your out by 5. Clean as whistle.
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